Baltimore in The Onion

I’m totally stealing this from the Baltimore Sun:

Baltimore Preparing For Hurricane Joaquin By Adding Second Layer Of Plywood To Shuttered Small Businesses

Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning 

Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century

Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens’ Super Bowl Parade 

Real Estate Developers Push To Rebrand Murder Heights Neighborhood Of Baltimore

Buck Showalter Terrified To Walk Alone To Mound At Night

Ravens Warn Rookies To Save Some Extra Money For Bail

And last but not least:

Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List