The New Republican Bill of Freedom

With all this talk of changing the constitution for this and that (and yes, it’s strange that supposedly anti-big-government politicians always want to violate the explicit purpose of the constitution that protects the rights of citizens from big government), I’ve never quite understood the ultimately vision of conservative Republicans. What do they actually want? What if they weren’t restricted by politics, common sense, or the slightest sense of human decency? If the Bill of Rights is for commies, what are constitutional amendments that “real Americans” could rally behind?

Let’s pick up a newspaper in the year 2013:

WASHINGTON — Supported by super-majorities in both houses on Congress, the Republican president fulfilled a major campaign promise and sent The New Bill of Freedom to the states for constitutional ratification. Surrounded by senators, representatives, and five Supreme Court Justices on the steps of the Capital, President Palin marked this historic event with a speech to thousands of supporters:

This Bill of Freedom reflects the original intentions of our Founding Fathers. The old Bill of Rights [boos from crowd] was all about Big Government protecting big terrorists [more boos].

Oh, yes. No longer will terrorists and drug dealers and flag burners and abortionists and immigrants and sodomites and mainstream media — no longer will [making air quotes] “those people” be allowed to run amok because of — what do those big-L liberals [boos] call them? — technicalities! Today we get the rights we want. Today we get the freedom we deserve! [cheers]

The new conservative Bill of Freedom [applause] fixes the Bill of Rights — or should I say [winks] Bill of Lefts? [laughter] — that were so easy for activist Democrat judges to misinterpret [loud boos]. One hundred years is big-G government and big-S socialism is enough! [mixed boos and cheers]

With this New Bill of Freedom, America is ready for the twentieth century to bring real freedom to real Americans! [cheers] Eighty-seven years ago President Herbert Hoover stood right here and said:

When we are sick, we want an uncommon doctor; when we have a construction job to do, we want an uncommon engineer, and when we are at war, we want an uncommon general. It is only when we get into politics that we are satisfied with the common man.

Oh yeah well today he’d have to be politically correct and say [winks] “woman” [light laughter]. Well today, lipstick and all [chuckles], I am that common woman! [applause]

It is for us to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which Hoover and Reagan fought for. It is for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that this nation, under God [brief moment of silence], shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, will not perish from the earth! [loud applause, crowd breaks into spontaneous singing of campaign theme song, “We could use a man like Herbert Hoover again!”]

The New Republican Bill of Freedom

Amendment I: Congress shall make no law prohibiting people’s right to pray, in either the Judeo or Christian tradition, in public or private; or abridging the freedom of spoken speech or the rights of corporations to give money to politicians.

[No more separation of church and state. Brings back school prayer. And without naming any religion in particular, limits “others” from building houses of worship like they belong here. Also sensibly limits the liberal press and expansive interpretation of “speech.”]

Amendment II: The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

[No more grammar debate here.]

Amendment III: Marriage shall be defined as a union between one man and one woman.

[Banning gay marriage is much more important than whatever the Third Amendment used to say. You don’t know the Third Amendment anyway.]

Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects shall not be violated but upon reasonable suspicion, supported by oath or affirmation.

[Probable Cause is too high a standard. And why bother with all those other “technicalities”?]

Amendment V: No innocent person shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself; nor shall private property be taken for public use. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy trial.

[Why protect the guilty? The innocent have nothing to hide. And who miss grand juries?]

Amendment VI: The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States.

[Rights of the criminals again. Blah blah blah.]

Amendment VII: Only persons born to US citizens are citizens of the United States.

[That’ll fix the Fourteenth Amendment. Besides, a jury trial for common law disputes in excess of twenty dollar? Get real. The Seventh Amendment has been obsolete even since we abandoned the gold standard.]

Amendment VIII: Punishment shall be appropriate to the crime.

[Like we want liberal judges defining cruel and unusual. That’s how they ban the death penalty.]

Amendment IX: The right to life of the unborn is paramount.

[The old amendment was just some constitutional mumbo-jumbo anyway.]

Amendment X: Respecting the rights reserved to the states respectively, or to the people, Amendments Thirteen through Sixteen are hereby repealed.

[If you gotta look them up, how important could they be?]