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Tag: onion

  • Police Bust Giraffe-Fighting Ring

    Well, of course it’s from The Onion.

    Since the late 1980s, giraffes have become a status symbol in many American cities, but increasingly, the grazing land mammals are dropped off at shelters when they become too difficult to care for, usually because their owners live in … homes without high vaulted ceilings.
    …
    “I always knew that Curtis had giraffes, because I’d see their heads popping up above the roof of his house,” neighbor Ryan Erck said. “But I never knew he was breeding fighter giraffes.”

  • Wrigley Field

    Wrigley Field

    Oh, look! The Oniondid a feature story about me.

    Just for the record, I do not have a Cubs jacket nor do I bring my transistor radio to games. But, uh, yeah, I do have a little radio shack transistor radio. And I like keeping score when watching a baseball game. Is that so wrong?

  • Mexican Immigration Problems


    Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes

  • Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Anti-Drug Initiative

    I’m skeptical of any law with a personal name. Initiative with cool sounding names, especially if it’s an acronym, are also trouble. For instance, ix-nay, I would say, to Initiative Hammer of Poseidon. Sure, Poseidon had a trident and Thor had the hammer, but it’s worth a little mythological inaccuracy to get a name like IHOP. And never do I want to see Operation Slammer: Keep Our Supreme Homeland Beautiful an’ Great, our Swell Home, even if it does spell, Oskosh, B’Gosh.

    It’s no crazier than the Patriot Act, I mean: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001. Pah-leeze. And that one’s real.

    I knew our immigration efforts were taking a turn for the worse when the federal agency previously known as INSwas suddenly called ICE. Oh yeah, baby. That’s cool. Just picture those letters on the back on your jacket as you go for a cold one after a long day of busting down the front doors or hard working men and women, I mean illegal associates of gang members.

    Dudes, if you weren’t getting laid before, it wasn’t because of your acronym. Maybe it was the funny little mustache and your tendency to call everybody ma’am a bit too often.

    In the spirit of satire, Onion-span TV shows how this comes to be. From the inner workings of our government, 24 hours a day: